Wednesday, February 20, 2019

I have such bad nightmares some nights they leave me unable to break free of them even after  I wake up. I scream and cry and sometimes I am in a whisper to my husband telling him there is someone who just left the room and I’m scared. I talked to my psychiatrist about it and he told me its part of my P.T.S.D. which he now figures is Complex P.T.S.D.   It’s hard to understand that someone who was physically and emotionally abused for years since the age of 15 can still be diagnosed  with the same mental illness as a solider who fought in a war. I blocked most of the abuse that I had suffered but from the bits I can remember  I know it was bad. It makes me really upset  sometimes when I think about how what that low life fucker did to me is something that will be forever a part of my life.
He still lives and terrorizes me most every night in my sleep and some days I lay in the bed for 45 minutes after I awake trying to make the dream more normal and seek out an escape route and the dream have a happy ending but there is none.
My psychiatrist put me on a pill that would help with the nightmares and it did for awhile but the dreams never stopped just some nights they are not so intensified.
The pill is called prazosin and I’m on a very small dosage but I am thinking about getting the dosage raised and see if that will give me some kind of relief.
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Another Poem

 He Loves Me He Loves Me Not Life after Abuse
Well she was out after living a controlled and abused life from a very young age She had married a man whose hands were so quick to be raised to her. She had given birth to his children and tried to please him in any way she could. But nothing had worked, her crying while huddled in a corner to escape his fist Her pleading for him to stop, her empty stare and her blacken eyes and swollen lips.
Nothing had brought pity or love from this man. well now she was free! She remembers well the day she walked out with nothing but a few pictures of her grown children and how she had taken their baby pictures from the wall where they hung but couldn’t stand the thought of him coming home to an empty wall so she placed them back there and making sure they were straight before she closed the door to what had been her prison for so long.
She had left a note telling him how she would always love him despite all the things he had done but she needed to try and find a normal life. She had still in some way took the blame for each blow from his hand by saying it’s not you it’s just that us as a couple could never be happy so I’m doing this not only for myself but for you, So you can find someone who you can be happy with
Now almost two years has passed since that day and everyone tells her the life she is now living is normal but she wonders if it’s normal why is her mind having  such a hard time accepting it. She has remarried a man that is gentle, caring  and treats her with respect but still her mind has found no rest.  She lives every day waiting, wondering, fearing when it will all change, when he will show her who is really in control and her pain will return
 She wants to go shopping with her sister who she wasn’t allowed to see for so long  and when she asks him if she is allowed to go He looks at her strange and answers  You don’t need to ask for my permission. But still she finds herself not enjoying the visit with her sister because of fear he will be upset when she gets back and she will have to be punished. So she rushes to get home only to find him waiting with supper cooked  and wanting to hear all about her visit and the fun she had
The phone rings and it’s her mom and there is her husband sitting there and she feels her heart began to pound hoping that her Mom doesn’t talk long and she won’t have to look up and see him staring and shaking his head because she has now chosen her mom over him because she was talking and laughing. But instead she sees that he isn’t even noticing and when she hangs up instead of hearing, Now that’s why your mom should only call twice a week, She hears, How is your mom and dad doing? Did you tell them I said Hi?
She cooks a meal and the potatoes has hard lumps in them Again she feels guilty and stupid and waits for him to push his plate back and say I can’t eat that why are you so stupid You can’t even cook potatoes. But instead he tells her how wonderful supper is  and thanks her for cooking it. She looks up to see him staring at her and immediately she lowers her head and waits for him to say You are getting fat and its making you look so ugly, I hope you know I could find someone prettier and skinnier then you but I choose you. Instead she hears him say, you are so pretty and I am so lucky you are in my life So maybe she has at last found that normal life she had craved for.
Maybe finally she could trust again and let herself be happy. Maybe someday soon she won’t feel guilty because she had found happiness and her ex was still searching for his still living a life of arguments and torment fighting to win control over his new love.  She glances up and sees the dozen roses that he had brought her yesterday  they were sitting on the shelf near her doll and other things he had given her.  All those gifts that she knew he wouldn’t take back or break because they were hers and she smiled and says to herself
Maybe this is normal

People may think once the victim is away from her abuser they are all right and their life suddenly turns normal. But most victims of abuse live everyday wondering,what is Normal?
 They live a life of not trusting any happiness or love they receive
Still carrying the battle scars of a past that is embedded in their soul
© katbair

A poem about depression

Tuesday, January 22, 2019

I wanted to share this poem with you to try and show the amount of pain you feel when your whole live has been one abuse after the other. The helplessness you feel in a world that has a long way to go in understanding the never ending loneliness you deal with. I'm happy to say you do trust again and some of us find true love but the struggle never stops.


Where Is My Place in This World  

Seems I have lost my way it’s so dark around me I can barely see 
 I stumble daily not knowing where this darken thorn covered path is leading me 
 Where can I run where I can hide when I know off the path is so unsafe and unsure  
If only I could fixed this pain that has burned its way down into my soul's core  

I glance back over the journey I have taken on this path and life has not been kind  
I have never been able to count on anyone to make me feel like everything was fine 
No one can be trusted with my heart I must guard it because they just tell me empty lies 
 Why should I open myself to anymore pain no one can quiet my soul’s sad cries  

My eyes only see this path as a straight path to destruction a never ending life of pain 
 I must stay here trying to find the person I have hidden to protect her from going insane
  How can I handle all this guilt that I have to carry forever and all the tears I have cried 
 I fall on my knees the thorns pierce into my skin a welcome pain from what I feel inside

Sunday, January 20, 2019

Hi Everyone
It seems like forever since I have actually wrote a post for my blog. My new year thing was to start blogging again but real life happens and it has a way of putting any plans I have on hold for a while.

I wanted to take a moment to give an update on my health, I am feeling a little better pain wise but not a big lot. I am in treatment for my PTSD and depression and yes I am even taking medication and I just finished up a group therapy and my psychiatrist have suggested I take some counselling sessions for BPD and my PTSD. I will be assessed for that in a couple of weeks



So enough about that. I still haven't decided what I wanted this blog to be about so I guess I will continue rambling on about different things and hopefully you will stick with me.

Twenty eighteen was not a good year for us, it seems we are always struggling and looking for the light we know is coming but can't seem to catch a glimpse of it yet. My husband had an accident a year and a half ago and now the doctor and put him off work completely because of his injuries.
We had to move forom our previously beautiful big condo and moved to a beautiful very small apartment because of finance and health reasons and I had to downsize quite a bit so that is taking some getting use to.
It's hard when I'm going down my little hallway and if Mike decides to come from the opposite direction one of us has to step to the side or backup :) We have got used to it has much as possible in the year we have been here and if nothing else it has brought us closer (play on words)

My First Time Doing Crafts

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Here are two a centerpieces I did ....It's my first time doing any crafts on my own ...They were fairly easy and I just love the end result

Here is the first one I done I have this one for my coffee table ...I saw a similar one with candles in it at Safeway  and decided to tried it myself with a few changes.........

My Blue Christmas


The group that helped me from my yesterday

Friday, November 11, 2011


 Hi everyone ....I hope everyone had a wonderful week ....My week was great as usual I got out to some thrift stores and we heard from Canadian Immigration ...Mike's application was transferred to L.A so moving to Canada is getting closer everyday...This Friday I wanted to tell you about a wonderful online support group that helped me so much when I finally got away from my abusive marriage ......Some may be asking what this has to do with me re-inventing myself ...Well I feel like unless you go back and look at what helped you or shaped you to get to where you are now then re-invent can never happen .........The group is Women Against Domestic Violence or WADV ....It's an online support group that a wonderful lady Melissa started back in 2000 or 2001 ...I am so proud to be associated with this group..I am not active in the group like I was but it will always hold a special place in my life ... Melissa and I have become best friends and we still are there for each other to this day and we have never even met but someday.....After you read the poem I wrote about this group check on the link below it and see what an amazing group this is ..............................................

 
“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.” — Elisabeth K├╝bler-RosS
“The day she realized, it was not about the world but was all about her, she grew the wings. The day she understood she was not answerable to any of them who always blamed and pointed her, she had the fire blazing in her eyes. She raised and soared towards the sky. The whole world looked at her in awe and wished if only they could be her. She was not confined to be on the ground anymore. She had the wings of fire and she left a trail everywhere she went, for other to follow.” ― Akshay Vasu

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