Wednesday, February 20, 2019

Another Poem

 He Loves Me He Loves Me Not Life after Abuse
Well she was out after living a controlled and abused life from a very young age She had married a man whose hands were so quick to be raised to her. She had given birth to his children and tried to please him in any way she could. But nothing had worked, her crying while huddled in a corner to escape his fist Her pleading for him to stop, her empty stare and her blacken eyes and swollen lips.
Nothing had brought pity or love from this man. well now she was free! She remembers well the day she walked out with nothing but a few pictures of her grown children and how she had taken their baby pictures from the wall where they hung but couldn’t stand the thought of him coming home to an empty wall so she placed them back there and making sure they were straight before she closed the door to what had been her prison for so long.
She had left a note telling him how she would always love him despite all the things he had done but she needed to try and find a normal life. She had still in some way took the blame for each blow from his hand by saying it’s not you it’s just that us as a couple could never be happy so I’m doing this not only for myself but for you, So you can find someone who you can be happy with
Now almost two years has passed since that day and everyone tells her the life she is now living is normal but she wonders if it’s normal why is her mind having  such a hard time accepting it. She has remarried a man that is gentle, caring  and treats her with respect but still her mind has found no rest.  She lives every day waiting, wondering, fearing when it will all change, when he will show her who is really in control and her pain will return
 She wants to go shopping with her sister who she wasn’t allowed to see for so long  and when she asks him if she is allowed to go He looks at her strange and answers  You don’t need to ask for my permission. But still she finds herself not enjoying the visit with her sister because of fear he will be upset when she gets back and she will have to be punished. So she rushes to get home only to find him waiting with supper cooked  and wanting to hear all about her visit and the fun she had
The phone rings and it’s her mom and there is her husband sitting there and she feels her heart began to pound hoping that her Mom doesn’t talk long and she won’t have to look up and see him staring and shaking his head because she has now chosen her mom over him because she was talking and laughing. But instead she sees that he isn’t even noticing and when she hangs up instead of hearing, Now that’s why your mom should only call twice a week, She hears, How is your mom and dad doing? Did you tell them I said Hi?
She cooks a meal and the potatoes has hard lumps in them Again she feels guilty and stupid and waits for him to push his plate back and say I can’t eat that why are you so stupid You can’t even cook potatoes. But instead he tells her how wonderful supper is  and thanks her for cooking it. She looks up to see him staring at her and immediately she lowers her head and waits for him to say You are getting fat and its making you look so ugly, I hope you know I could find someone prettier and skinnier then you but I choose you. Instead she hears him say, you are so pretty and I am so lucky you are in my life So maybe she has at last found that normal life she had craved for.
Maybe finally she could trust again and let herself be happy. Maybe someday soon she won’t feel guilty because she had found happiness and her ex was still searching for his still living a life of arguments and torment fighting to win control over his new love.  She glances up and sees the dozen roses that he had brought her yesterday  they were sitting on the shelf near her doll and other things he had given her.  All those gifts that she knew he wouldn’t take back or break because they were hers and she smiled and says to herself
Maybe this is normal

People may think once the victim is away from her abuser they are all right and their life suddenly turns normal. But most victims of abuse live everyday wondering,what is Normal?
 They live a life of not trusting any happiness or love they receive
Still carrying the battle scars of a past that is embedded in their soul
© katbair

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“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.” — Elisabeth Kübler-RosS
“The day she realized, it was not about the world but was all about her, she grew the wings. The day she understood she was not answerable to any of them who always blamed and pointed her, she had the fire blazing in her eyes. She raised and soared towards the sky. The whole world looked at her in awe and wished if only they could be her. She was not confined to be on the ground anymore. She had the wings of fire and she left a trail everywhere she went, for other to follow.” ― Akshay Vasu

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